DEAR E JEAN, I’m starting to see wrinkles and. my boobs are getting saggy, and it makes me sad, like I’m grieving for my youth. My breasts were once my pride and joy! I’ve gained life experience, but I feel like a crazy woman when I think about what I’ve lost: the moments
I didn’t have, the things I didn’t do like date more men, take more chances, have more fun. Do you feel sad about getting older? How doyou cope?
NOT SO FIRM, YOU FETCHING LUNATIC
Don’t talk about boobs to me. I’m the woman who ordered a Craftmatic adjustable bed so I could sleep sitting straight up, the better not to flatten, smash or quash my cumquats. Anyway, your bosom will never be firmer than it is today. Today is the highest-bouncing day of the rest of your life. And you and your boobs will soon regret all the time you wasted regretting that you wasted all that time.
But you asked how I cope. Well. Since the universe is flying apart and our sun will run out of hydrogen and the core will collapse and the earth will be sucked in, and Jane Austen’s books, Meryl Streep’s movies, Serena Williams’ backhands, Sappho’s poems, Schiaparelli’s shocking pink, Dorothea Lange’s photos and Nina Simone’s songs will be gone, gone, gone, I figure, what the heck, we have push-up bras now! To hell with sagging bosoms! Besides, beauty companies are making such big discoveries that if we live another 10 years, we’ll look 40 years younger.
Note: coping is for amateurs.
But I do find that eating an entire grapefruit every night before bed decreases the sagginess and increases the buoyancy of pretty much everything in the vicinity.