Water retention contributes to the appearance of cellulite, but don’t choose commercial diuretics as they can leach potassium from the body, contributing to osteoporosis. Natural diuretics are dandelion, nettle, astragalus, juniper, parsley and vitamin B6, but the best method is to radically reduce your intake of salt and increase your intake of water.


Ma Da’s a cripple: worked all his life like a slave for nuthin’; he’s doodle-ally now, poor auld bugger. He can hardly make a cup a tea. Ma Ma’ works 13 hours a day for nuthin’. Ah don’t appreciate it, nor does my sister: we’re too busy learning how to be assholes. Ma friends in Glasgee just want to get pissed and chant ‘Celtic faever!’ and beat the shite out of Rangers supporters, and so do ah, the truth be telt. And they want to shag a lot and drink a lot and fight a lot until it’s their turn, then they get hitched and have a flock of wee’ans and live in a shit-hole with a shite job and get fat and ugly and forget how to laugh and go home and hit the wife and hit the kids and blame everyone else for the stinkin’ life they’ve got. And ah’m no goin’ to be like that, Simon. Ah’m goin’ to laugh and be a fool and be the fool and let my time go on way past the rest of ye all, watching ye practicing being sad. Sod that. Perhaps we’ll all be sad one day, but ah’ll be laughing long after the rest of ye We finished our drinks.

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